remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
