i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
