Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
