in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
