Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
