And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
