dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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