Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
