The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
