A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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