i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
