is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
