Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
MIDGETS
????
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
