I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
