I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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