It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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