u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
