the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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