u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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