After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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