Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
it glows. i had to have it.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
i out mim tonsoeep
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
