I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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