all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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