last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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