i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
All the doctor said was why
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
