The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
