I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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