she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
