We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
