ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
