I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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