I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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