I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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