dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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