I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
