I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Little spoons don't ask big questions
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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