Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize