I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
