i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
