Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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