We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
