also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
