Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
