I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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