I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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