I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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