Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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