I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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