Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
