oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
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