But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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