Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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