I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
