My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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