I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
