So drunk, too bad you don't want this
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
