im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
