i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
