I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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