How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
