Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
